How Stupid Are You Willing to Look for Apple’s Amazing Magical iWatch?

There ’s no such matter as the Apple iWatch , and possibly there never will be . But if Cupertino does start sell futurustic Jetsons carpus wear , you need to prepare for one affair : looking like a jackass in public . deserving it ?

Let ’s not discount the fact that we ’re in dull , muddy waters here , discuss the stylish future of a matter that is n’t real . But there ’s no arguing that wearable tech is a serious thing ; these are questions you ’ll have to answer whether it ’s Apple or Google or Jawbone or whoever else presenting them . So let ’s wade in and open our oral cavity and drown .

If the iWatch happens , it ’s not because Apple needs thinks making a curve - OLED , iOS - ventilation , seaworthiness - tracking , app - running , iPhone - linking smartwatch is a serious musical theme . If you could ever buy one of these things , it ’s potential because Apple has easy retrogress intoa company that follows marketsinstead of cook up them : it made a 4 - inch iPhone to appease jambon - handed phablet fans , and a smaller iPad to compete with its rivals at Google and Amazon . Both of these products ended up being fairly bloody good gadgets , but they only subsist because Apple was pressure into a defensive posture . The like of Nike ’s FuelBand and the FitBit are make the same . Apple ’s corporate caretaker are under tremendous pressure from investors , psychoanalyst , and other Wall Street speculators who are spanking AAPL for not creating something as unprecedented as the original iPod every three years until the end of time . Poor Tim Cook .

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That an ( again , hypothetical ) iWatch would be bear not out of inspiration but obligation is worrying , if you ’re someone who wants an Apple wearable that does n’t go down on and make you feel bad about yourself . It ’s a deal easier to make a earpiece slightly larger or make a pad of paper slightly smaller than it is to create an awesome thing of a kind that ’s never existed outside of comic books and sci - fi novels . In fact , making a smartwatch is a massively hard undertaking . History is not on Apple ’s side : recall that the troupe already made a lookout of sorts with the iPod Nano , and then completely retreated from the integral construct , removing any trace of watch - cape from it after just one generation . Which was plausibly smart , because nobody other than the most oblivious of nerds or avant garde style muppets ever tried have on the thing as a spotter . It was a gimmick . It was embarrassing . It was ugly , more often than not . Very , very few people , it turned out , wanted to bust an Apple gadget on their wrists .

And why would they ? Even Sony ’s SmartWatch , which was a functional tragedy but at least somewhat handsome , was a nightmareto wear in public . I was stared and laughed at as I tapped at this gaudy arm LCD that I could n’t put away . The individual alien who involve me about it approached the matter as you might someone ’s ice centre , not The Future — and most tellingly , she never ask me where she could get one of her own .

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So what ’ll be dissimilar about Apple ’s endeavor ? The iWatch can only be more goofy and unbecoming than the relatively - pernicious ( but still awkwardly attention - grabbing ) FuelBand . If you think Nike ’s LED - encrust watchband is a bite much , envisage an iWatch that ’s a large shiningpiece of “ curved glass”hanging on your articulatio radiocarpea at all times . And it would be big ; remember that it ’s cover torun iOS apps , which demand some serious surface area . This is more an iBangle than an iWatch , and that ’s tug most of the human populace into profoundly uncomfortable soil . What are we getting ourselves into ? Or more decently , what does Apple want to get us all into ?

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In order for the thing to do half of what it ’s rumour to pull off , it ’d have to be even importantly big than the iPod nano , which was deficient as a touchscreen gimmick . So , see at the matter up top — and imagine it larger , brighter , and arch around your entire articulatio radiocarpea . It would have to dwarf that .

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Take Google Glass — what ’s ostensibly the wearable future of computers is still a giggle - inducing fantasy project . Even nonchalantly cruise the New Yorksubway , Sergey Brin looks like he walk out of a setting from Hackers , not a dinner party party or classroom . It ’s not ready for veridical animation . And like I said , wearingSony ’s watchmade me look ( and feel ) like an asshole . Until we ’re alleviate into wearable computation , a curved - glass micro - computer is croak to sense like a stigmata from Jony I ve .

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So Apple ’s non - and - perhaps - never - existent sentry is in a very genuine bind : it has to be striking enough to appease a Wall Street succubus and fit well in the House of I ve , but not so brilliant that we ca n’t wear it without drawing stare and muggings . It has to be something that balk with genuine lifespan — and our substantial bodies — more than any analyst ’s gravy train or fanboy fantast ’s wet dream . It has to be a watch , it has to be a spectacular Apple product , and it has to be something that does n’t make us want to hide out when we ’re in populace . And that might require more magic than Apple will ever be able to muster .

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