Avicii.Photo: Michael Kovac/Getty Images
In one entry, the Swedish star wrote about how difficult he found it to stop drinking alcohol, per doctor’s orders, something he previously said he’d become “dependent” upon to help curb his anxiety.
“I had a hard time accepting never drinking again though strongly suggested from all doctors to wait at least a year before even having a beer,” he reportedly wrote. “Of course, I didn’t listen to the majority of the doctors, I listened to the couple who said it was OK if I was careful. I was ignorant and naïve and touring the world, still on the never-ending tour — because once you’ve circled it, guess what? You start right back over again. Those days in hospital were the most anxiety and stress-free days I can remember the past six years, those were my true vacations, as depressing as it might sound.”
RELATED VIDEO: Avicii’s Family Issues New Statement: ‘He Could Not Go On Any Longer’
Avicii also wrote about his recovery from acute pancreatitis, for which he was hospitalized in 2012 and 2013. The following year, he had his gallbladder and appendix removed.
“The relief of going from extreme pain to none, knowing that no one is expecting anything other than for you to wait it out (which is the only way of treating pancreatitis) and then recover was huge,” he wrote in his journal. “It was an extreme relief considering the insane schedule I had kept up until that point.”
The “Wake Me Up” artist also penned a heartbreaking entry in 2015, when he was reportedly staying in the Ibiza Calm rehab center following an intervention from his family, about how he was revamping his approach to understanding his illness.
“It needed to be explained to me very logically and caveman-esque for me to truly understand its nature and how it was harming me. Ouch, pain. Why me pain now? Uncomfortable feeling,” he wrote. “Future Tim deal with pain. Future Tim deal with pain better than present Tim because already there’s too many present pains more urgent to deal with.”
Avicii had also reportedly been embracing Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s meditation practices, and would often meditate for hours at a time, much longer than the recommended 20 minutes.
“It feels like I am in a new default mode of being which is very new and a little bit scary,” he wrote. “It felt like the fears the last couple of days caused havoc in me, but I remember the tip to focus on my breathing.”
His final entry reportedly read: “The shedding of the soul is the last attachment, before it restarts!”
In a statement released after his death, Avicii’s family said that after he’d stopped touring, he’d tried to “find a balance in life to happy and be able to do what he loved most – music.”
“He really struggled with thoughts about Meaning, Life, Happiness. He could not go on any longer. He wanted to find peace,” the statement continued. “Tim was not made for the business machine he found himself in; he was a sensitive guy who loved his fans but shunned the spotlight. Tim, you will forever be loved and sadly missed. The person you were and your music will keep your memory alive. We love you, Your family.”
Mosesson’s book, which includes interviews with Avicii’s parents, friends and colleagues, will be released on Jan. 18.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go tosuicidepreventionlifeline.org.
source: people.com
